College students in the U.S. should be offered financial incentives to graduate in

I’d like you to edit the essay you wrote for me according to the feedback I got for it.

*Writing Strength:
Well done for developing the following example of something that could be a reason.
Early Entry into the Workforce
Entering into the workforce early after graduating shows the student wants to take the responsibility of being an adult and experiencing the real world.
This could be a reason why the proposal should be accepted. Developing reasons form the basis of your argument.

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College students in the U.S. should be offered financial incentives to graduate in
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Main Idea/Thesis

Use the thesis statement element to provide reasons why the proposal that there should be incentives should be accepted. The thesis statement that outlines the argument is a strong one. Let us take a look at what you have in place.
College students in the U.S. should be offered financial incentives to graduate in three years rather than four.
Why should this proposal be accepted? If you add reasons, the reader will be more engaged. Let us take a look at a model to give you an idea of how to format a proposal thesis statement.
The city should make provision for homeless people [proposal] because this would lower the rates of petty crime, it would improve the image of the city, and it could provide shelter to this vulnerable group. [structure points – reasons why the proposal should be accepted]
This is a basic proposal. There are three reasons why the proposal should be accepted. What might be three reasons why your proposal is a good idea and should be accepted?

you requested help with Content Development:

Something that you do not mention in the introduction is why taking a long time to complete a degree could be an issue. Since the proposal is to incentivize against taking a long time, there must be a reason why this should be avoided. Let us take a look.
Some students are stretching up to 6 years for a degree course, while a typical undergraduate degree is expected to last approximately four years. Some institutions or universities offer tools and resources that help their undergraduate students to graduate sooner, while many large universities encourage students to stay the course having completed a 4-year study. Most college students today are trying to fast track education due to the steady climb in the cost of a traditional college.
Great, so they take a long time! What is the problem with this? What are the cost implications? What are the employment opportunity implications? To offer a solution or make a proposal about solving something, you need to explain that there is a problem.

you requested help with Organization:

Avoid point form in an essay in the way that you have created point form in the following extract. An essay of this length is not too complicated, and it should focus on reasons why the proposal should be accepted rather than on lists of points. Let us take a look.
The following are some of the advantages of graduating early; –
Save on time and money.
Entry into the work market
Graduate on time
This information can be included as part of the introduction. There is no need to develop these points in the middle of the essay. Work on developing paragraphs that look at one reason each to accept the proposal.

Summary of Next Steps:

Well done for the start you have made on your essay about financial incentives, Ethan. In your next draft, work on the following:
Include reasons why the proposal should be accepted as part of the thesis statement.

Explain why.

Avoid lists.

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